Got this amusing email a couple of days ago........
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda,who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back
and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for that early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back
in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she
was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She
sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit)
will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would
have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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