A medley - death, me, holiday, husband...

About ten days ago while on my way to work I got my first panic attack. It was a beautiful day, very pleasant and cool, I was going to office to a job that I love and was reading a light novel by one of my favourite authors - Sophie Kinsella. Everyone was going about their business and there was nothing out of the ordinary that prompted the attack. I don't know what, in the midst of my reading, made me suddenly think of death and the more I thought about it the more uncomfortable I became. So much so that my heart beat accelerated, my palms got sweaty and I lost all desire to go to work.
I have thought about death a lot and I find the subject scary, daunting and terribly mysterious. For all my study and practice of pranic healing and for all my understanding of the concept of the soul and it's evolution that day the thought of death scared the living daylights out of me. I felt despair, felt that life was futile - why do anything at all if I am going to die one day? All I could visualise was a dark, black void and me alone in it.

Eventually work got me busy and drove all other thoughts out of my mind but by the end of the day I came to realise two things -
1. It was not the idea of death as much as the idea of being alone that really scares me.
2. The thought of me being my own companion gives little solace, which is not an encouraging thought at all.
I love my 'me time' but at the same time I am terribly dependent on some people - the pillars of my life - my husband, family and some select friends. I cannot imagine life without them and just incase a day comes when I have to live without them I am not geared up for it at all.

While I can work on being less dependent on them I need to work more on enjoying my own company. The first step towards that has been taken - I'm going on a vacation alone. Actually I'm not really alone, there will be 9 other women with me. I don't know any of them, but the point is that I am going without any of my pillars. I'm going to Bhutan for a whole week and I know that I'm going to miss my pillars terribly but I'm going ahead anyway. It is my treat for myself and the idea is to enjoy my company.
So Bhutan, here I come...

P.S. - Must also admit that Bhutan is happening because I was tired of waiting for my workaholic husband to confirm our vacation plans, so I simply made my own without him.